what I'm thinking about right now
Just ran across this video of my friend Nick in a deodorant commercial from earlier this year. Apparently it was part of a big ad campaign he was in, which I had no idea about until five minutes ago.
Either I’m a bad friend or I don’t watch enough TV.
I’m going with not enough TV.
Tag Team – Whoomp There it Is
I made this three years ago. I think it holds up pretty well.
Spoiler alert: he knows what you’ve been saying about it.
I like it a lot better than painting.
Another story my dad told at his birthday dinner last week, courtesy of Amanda:
When I was five, I was little.
I was playing with my squirt gun and it got stopped up. So I found a pin from my mom’s sewing room and I put it in the front of the squirt gun to unplug the hole, but then it got stuck, so I tried to pull it out with my teeth. While squirting it. And I accidentally swallowed the pin.
I went downstairs to tell my mom and she said, “Really? Are you sure?” I told her the story and she said, “Yes, we should go see the doctor.”
So she took me to the hospital. (I also had the measles at the same time.)
The doctor did an x-ray and said, “Yes, there’s a pin in your stomach. We’ll have to do surgery to get it out.”
My mom said, “But he has the measles.”
The doctor said, “Oh, well we can’t do surgery. You’ll have to eat mashed potatoes with cotton balls and lay down until it passes.”
So my mom paid me five dollars to eat a whole plate of mashed potatoes and cotton balls. It didn’t taste good.
I had to lay in my bed for three days and every time I pooped, I had to poop in the red bucket with the yellow handle and my mom had to look through the poop for the pin.
She found it on the third day. Then I went outside and rode my bike around the block as fast as I could.
Tracy Morgan on the Today Show.
“I didn’t know how serious diabetes were.”
Last night my parents took my sister and my dad’s mom out to dinner to celebrate his birthday.
My grandmother is a sweetheart but not the most tech-savvy person; she got my dad one of those cards that plays a song when you open it.
“I didn’t even know what song it played,” she told him after he opened it, “because I didn’t want the battery to run out before I gave it to you.”
When people ask my dad how old he is, he always tells them a year older than he actually is.
He started doing this so that when he had a birthday, it didn’t make him feel like he was getting old, since he had already been telling people for a year he was that age.
He’s been lying about his age for so long that sometimes he doesn’t remember how old he actually is anymore. Last week I was talking to him about his upcoming birthday (which is today) and asked him how it felt to be almost 59.
“Am I? I thought I was going to be 60. That’s not so bad.”
Happy birthday, Dad.
Brittany: My boss at Kimmel just said to me, “Your internship ends mid-December? Well, remind me mid-November, because there are some people I want to introduce you to in the area, especially because you have such an affinity for this industry.”
Me: So it looks like you’ve been banging the right guy.
What happened to Joe Pesci?
Photo of my dad taking a photo on our cross-country trip last summer.
